I will carry you
by Gleek foster kid
Summary: Small fic based off of new fosters promo. Warnings inside. Lena is taken to the ER.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Miscarriage. Based off of the newest promo and Mariana calling Stef and saying Brandon took Mama to the ER (we don't know what happened, but... When one of my daughters saw it she wanted to know about what happened when I was 17 and gave birth to a still born. Nothing to graphic in the story, more... The emotions). Don't hate me for this fic. **

Stef's POV

"Brandon took Mama to the emergency room," Mariana's worried and almost tearful voice came over the phone.

"I'm on my way," I said as I quickly made my way over to Mike where he was shutting the back of the cruiser for the guy we just arrested for domestic violence. My heart thudded out of my chest and I felt like I couldn't breath. They train you, in the academy, how to handle life or death situations, how to keep calm when you feel like you couldn't. They didn't tell you that all went out the window when it's your wife.

"Stef, what's the matter," Mike asked as he rested a hand on my shoulder, "I know these arrests are always hard on you but..." I pull away from him. I can't accept the comforting gesture at the moment. I would loose it. For half a second I hate myself. My mind isn't on the woman in the back of an ambulance at the moment. It's on my love.

"It's Lena, B took her to the ER," I say, finding my voice. Mike looked at me for half a second before jumping into action. Other than Lena, Mike is my best friend. And one of the reasons I tried to convince myself I was in love with him all those years ago was he is like me, getting stuff done when other people can't, at least when he's not drinking. At the moment I'm paralyzed, I don't have time to make it all the way back to the precinct to get the car.

"Ok, they are taking Miss. Mathew's to the ER, go with them and get to Lena."

"But, the paperwork..." I mutter. We were told by captain not to give so much as a parking ticket without following procedure.

"She'll understand, I'll take the heat if she doesn't," Mike said, pushing me towards the blaring lights that had started. In a matter of milliseconds she saw it as her lifeline to her wife, she ran and jumped into the back, fitting herself in the side that the paramedics were not.

GENERAL POV

"Thank you," a whisper came. Stef looked down and smiled at the young woman in her 20's. It took almost a half hour of Stef talking to her and telling her her own story about Mike to get her to finally say she was leaving him and for them to arrest him without worrying about her going and bailing him out. Mike never physically abused her but he did get rather verbally abusive at times. Stef took her hand and squeezed it gently.

"I'm just glad you're out of there. I'm worried about that arm of your's. Hopefully it's not broken," she said, letting this woman take the forefront of her thoughts for the couple minutes, comforting Miss. Mathews until she could do the same for her wife. "I'm going to give you my card and you are to call me if you ever need it, whether that is because you want to call him, or you just need to talk, yes?" she asked. The woman below her nodded. As the ambulance stopped she gently tucked her card in the pocket of the woman's jeans. "Take care Miss. Mathews, I'll be looking foreword to your call," she said as she jumped out of the back, running as fast as her legs could take her to the woman behind the desk.

"My son brought my wife in, Lena Adams Foster," she said as she clenched her hands. Having trouble staying still.

"Yes, let me take you back." Stef wanted to slap the woman as she watched her face turn from indifference to sympathy when looking up Lena's information. She was let through a door and towards an open door, though a privacy curtain was drawn. The nurse knocked lightly.

"C-come in," Lena's hoarse and uncertain voice made Stef's heart stop as she stepped inside the curtain. Lena was sitting on the bed with an IV in her arm. Her hand gripped tightly around the blanket. Brandon paced the length of the room with his eyes wide. Stef took two long strides to her wife's bed and pulled her against her hugging her as she felt Lena start to tremble against her. Stef kissed her temple before letting go, making Lena let out a small whimper.

"B," she said gently, stepping infront of him to stop the pacing, "Thank you," she said before clearing her voice, "You're a great son."

"But I didn't save-"

"Brandon, this isn't your fault," Lena cut him off, her voice thick.

"Baby, I'm pretty sure I saw your siblings out there, please go sit with them." Brandon nodded silently.

"Come here first though," Lena said siting up and holding her arms out. Stef watched silently as he hugged Lena over her 28 week belly.

LENA'S POV

I know at the moment I have to be strong for my son. I feel him trying not to cry into my shoulder. He blames this on himself. But this was something he couldn't have fixed. No one could have. I watch Stef watching me and all I want to do is to be in her arms and sob. The lack of movement under my heart seems to be stilling mine as well. She doesn't know yet. I can see her trying to work out what Brandon said. I give him a final pat on the back, murmured 'I love you' in his ear and kiss his cheek. He goes defeatidly.

As soon as I can't hear his footsteps anymore the tears start to fall, and I find myself wrapped in Stef's arms. One hand moving on my stomach, which makes me sob harder, "What happened?" I hear her ask as she rocks me gently.

"I-I started bleeding, and I, I thought it was just spotting, but it got worse in an hour, and I hadn't felt her move all day," I tried to get out. I couldn't say what I needed to.

"Dd they do an ultrasound?" she asks. All I can do is nod. "Did they find out what was wrong?" Again, a soft nod. "And what now?"

"I deliver her," I whisper. It seems so unreal. I'm going to have to deliver my daughter but I don't get to take her home.

"Baby, she's so early, I mean, what can they do?"

"Nothing," I say, I hear my deadpan voice. "She doesn't have a heartbeat." The tiny noise that escapes her mouth involuntarily makes me hold onto her tighter. I feel her cry against me. I can count the number of times I have felt her cry this hard on two hands. The night we found out Callie was raped, When Jesus told us how we used to be locked in closets, Brandon's appendectomy, the night Frank died, When Jude came home beaten up for his nail polish, after Mariana's first nightmare out our house, crying out to please not take us from her. After a moment I feel her swallow, brushing away her tears.

"Where is a doctor, I want to talk to someone," she says harshly.

"They're getting a room ready for me in labor and delivery," I said, clinging to her, "Please don't leave." I sigh in relief as she situated herself better and holds me to her. This is all I've wanted, since the ultrasound 20 minutes ago, was to be wrapped in Stef's arms. Her scent calms me, and the warmth of her touch radiates through my cold body. It seems like only moments, but it was a half hour later they come to take me upstairs to the maternity wing.

"I'm going to go talk to our babies and check on B, I'll be right there, alright My Love?" she asks. I take a deep breath. It's felt like she'd been pouring her strength into me for the last half hour. I'm more grounded, at least for the moment.

"Yeah, I'll be ok," I say a lot braver than I feel.

"I love you," she whispered before kissing my lips gently.

"I love you too."

STEF'S POV

In the waiting room I see all my babies sitting around, Jude pressed into Callie's side, nodding off. It's late. My boy always needed to be in bed by 10 or he'd fall asleep wherever he was. Callie's knee was vibrating. On her other side Mariana held her hand tightly, Jesus sat beside Mariana, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. Those are my twins, fighting like cats and dogs until something was wrong. It didn't surprise me to see my Callie Girl being the strong one. B played a song on his knees, mimicking the fingerings of his keyboard. It was Callie who noticed me standing there first, standing up abruptly with all her siblings in toe.

"We have to stop meeting like this." I turn, it was Jesus, a small sad smile on his face. I let out half a laugh. Leave it to him to try and make everyone smile. But the words sting. These kids saw too much before they got to me and Lena and now this is the second time they had to sit in a waiting room, finding out if their mom would be ok.

"Mama's going to have to stay in the hospital for a while," I said as I watched my kids. I had let myself dream for the past two months of a little girl in the bunch, growing up with 5 much older siblings to watch out for her. Now I see that empty space where she would be, maybe in Callie's arms, she was the most maternal, or Jude's, who was the sweetest. Suddenly the idea of Mariana talking her through her first broken heart had vanished, Jesus teaching her Volly ball, Brandon teaching her "Mary Had a Little Lamb" on the piano. "Mama's placenta, the sac that the baby lives in," I explained for Jude, who had not had human sexuality yet, "tore away from Mama's body. This is no one's fault," I said, looking at Brandon, "But the baby died."

"Is Mama ok?" I look down at Jude, I don't know how to answer that.

"They gave her a blood transfusion to make up for the blood she lost. She is healthy, but she's... It's going to take a while for Mama to be ok again." Jude broke from Callie and wrapped his arms around me. I can't imagine what he must have been thinking, that he might loose another mom. It took less than 30 seconds before I find myself wrapped in the middle of all my kids.

"It's not really a sandwich, a kid burrito?" Jesus asks which made hot bubbles of lava pierce my stomach.

"I want you guys to go on home, yes?" I say as the embrace falls apart. Callie nods,

"I can drive everyone home, bring you and Mama clothes in the morning?"

"Thank you, Sweets," I say as I start to get ancy. I want to get back up to my love. But I don't want to leave my kids worried to death either. "Wait for my call, I'll see you all in the morning, I said as I pulled out $60 and handed it to Callie, "For dinner or emergencies." I watch my kids file out of the door and take a deep breath before going to the elevator back to my wife. When I open the door I find her sitting up in bed with a doctor talking to her.

"Hello Mrs. Adams Foster, I was just explianing to your wife about her options."

"Options?" I asked softly, sitting next to Lena and taking her hand, running my thumb in circles across the back of her hand. Lena is shaking. I can't say I blame her.

"We have two. We can start an IV with oxytocin, this will start contractions to give birth of your daughter. Or we can do what we call D and E dilation and evacuation. With this we would give you a sedative and local anesthesia and we would dilate your cervix and remove the baby."

"Evacuation? Remove?" I can hear the disgust in Lena's voice. I understand. The words sound evil.

"With D and E it's easier for some women because they don't want the attachment of giving birth."

"She's my daughter, I'm already attached," Lena's voice is hard and cold. Her hand fluttering on her stomach. The doctor didn't flinch at her words, just nodded,

"I'll get a nurse to start you on some oxytocin," he said standing, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

I hug her to me, feeling a little bit of the tension ease away. As she clung to my back. Her nails feel like needle pricks in my skin. But I deserve them, because I can't save her from the heartbreak that she's feeling.

**AN- this will probably only be about 4 chapters long. The next chapter will be right after the delivery. **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN- Ok, so why can't people if they not like a story just not read it? I do not understand. I guess I should also explain for the people who read my other stories and know I am 24 with a partner and 4 foster adopted children. Someone asked how I was pregnant at 17. Well, ok, so was sexually abused and became pregnant. I was three months pregnant when I met Abby. We started dating a month later. I have birth to my stillborn daughter late in my second trimester. This chapter touches in a controversial topic of whether other people (besides parents) should see a stillborn baby. If you haven't had a stillborn child this might seem a little... Morbid. Holding your deceased child. But it is a very common occurrence and one I can personally say is healing.**

STEF'S POV

She's so small. I can't believe at one time I thought Brandon was the smallest thing in the universe. She's half his length, a quarter of his weight. I imagined this day since the moment Lena told me she was pregnant. In a fresh bed my arms around Lena, who is holding our daughter. The labor and delivery was terrifying, in the way that it was almost silent, besides Lena's tears and the doctor's coaching. Lena's exhausted, but she can't let go of Abilene.

"The kids should be able to see her if they want." Lena's voice pulls me from the small, perfect face.

"Love, they've been through enough as it is."

"They need closure, as much as we do." I'm trying to save her. She doesn't understand. "Especially Callie and Jude. They didn't get to say goodbye to Coleen. They should at least get the choice of saying goodbye to their sister." Ok, so maybe I'm not trying to save Lena. Maybe I'm trying to save myself. I can't look at them and be strong. "And Brandon, Stef. Brandon was there from the time this all started." My eyes close. "And I just need to see them. I need all my kids together, once," Now Lena is crying, holding Abilene against her.

"Alright, Love, sshhh," I mummer, "I'll call and see who is willing to come. But we aren't going to make anyone who doesn't want to, alright?" She nods and sniffles and I let out a breath, kissing her temple. I step out of the room and call Callie, It's four in the morning, 36 hours after this all started, but I'm pretty sure my daughter is up.

"Mom?" The voice is tired and hoarse.

"Hi Sweets. Mama wants to know if any of you want to meet your sister before-"

"I do! Let me check," she says. I'm thankful she cut me off before I had to say it. "We're leaving in 3 minutes to the hospital. GET UP IF YOU WANT TO COME!" I pull the phone away from my ear "Mom and Mama don't care what you look like, throw your hair in a pony tail. Grab jackets, medication Jesus and meet me in the car."

"Well you sure know how to get things done," I said with a small laugh that burns my throat.

"That's why you put me in charge, right?" Callie asked, I can hear the smirk on her face. She is a mini-me in every way, "We'll be there in ten minutes."

"Ok, Sweets, drive carefully."

"I will. Mommy?" the voice is quiet, fearful, switching from her 'don't get too close' attitude to her 'save me' one. It breaks my heart that I'm not able to be with them and Lena at the same time.

"What is it, Baby?" I ask softly.

"I love you," I smile softly. It's a phrase we rarely hear from Callie. "Will you tell Mama I love her too?"

"I love you too, Baby," I whisper "and I will tell your Mama but I'm sure she'd love to hear it from you when you get here."

"I know, I just. Want her to know right this second. I'm going to tell her myself too."

"Alright, Love. Get your butt down here so I can hug you," I say, because at the moment I don't know how to express what I want. The joy it is to be able to comfort the child that held her walls up for so long. I steel myself for walking back into the hospital room. There's something I thought I didn't want, but now I do. From the moment I told Callie I wanted to hug her I wanted this. Walking into the room I watch Lena studying our daughter's face. Running a finger over the soft feathers of hair that couldn't be more than a centimeter long. I sit cross legged in front of them.

"Lena, can I hold her?" the request is quiet, shaky. It's not like she'll tell me no but I hate the idea of taking the few precious moments she has with her away. Lena lays her in my arms, kissing my forehead as she leans back against the raised bed.

LENA'S POV

The view I'm seeing at this moment twists my stomach. My wife looking down at our daughter, running a thumb down her cheek. Stef's talking and I don't think she realizes it. She's telling our daughter how sorry she was that she ever doubted that having a baby was a good idea, because now it's hard to think of the future without her. How she had five siblings and two mommys who loved her more than life itself and how sorry she was that she couldn't save her. Something a nurse said crosses my mind and I silently pick up my phone, taking a picture of Stef with her daughter. A half hour ago, when they put her in my arms I thought the woman was crazy. How could she even think of something like that. But I know now, I never want to let go of the vision of my wife holding our daughter. I don't think Stef even realizes it was done. I hold my arms out and say Stef's name gently as she crawls in beside me, resting our daughter on her chest as she looks to me for strength. Tears falling from her eyes. I kiss her forehead gently.

"Callie said to tell you she loves you," the comment makes me turn a little.

"Really?" Stef nods. The simple sentence makes my eyes fill with tears as I hug my wife. It was at that moment there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," the same nurse peaks her head in.

"There are five teenagers out here wanting to see their moms," the comment makes me smile wearily.

"Can you do one thing for me before they come in?"

"Of course," the nurse says. I wish she would stop with the look of pitty, but she's being nice so I don't yell at her.

"I-I thought about what you said, will you take a couple pictures for us?" Stef gives me a death glare. "You never have to look at them if you don't want, but I want a couple pictures to remember her by." I hand the nurse the phone and show her how to use the camera on it. In the few minutes Stef seems to warm up a little about the idea, at least of the fact that it's something I want. She turns are daughter so she is laying on both of us, you can see her face and hands in the photo. Stef is looking at her, I am looking at Stef. It's three minutes, the nurse tells us just to forget the camera and say or do what we need to, and she would capture that. Abilene ends up in my arms where the nurse takes a couple pictures before handing back the camera.

STEF'S POV

I let Lena have pictures taken. I can't tell her no. Not when it's so important to her. I take a deep breath and try to ground myself for the new wave of emotions that I know will hit as soon as all my babies are here. Jude is the first one to walk through the door, he practically runs to Lena before seeing the baby and skids to a stop before taking a couple small steps forward.

"Honey, you don't have to come over here if you're uncomfortable," Lena's voice is calm and steady as she says it.

"It's not that..." he mumbles. Brandon is right behind him, Jesus still waiting for his meds to kick in fidgets beside them. Though I don't know if it's the lack of meds or the baby. Callie stands with her arm around Mariana, both have tears in their eyes and Callie reaches up and runs her finger across the tip of her nose.

"Hi Mama" the voice is Callie's, the first one to brave the couple yards from the doorway to the bed. She leans over and kisses Lena's cheek "I love you," she says as she takes a long look at Abilene. I watch Lena's eyes fill with tears and I gently squeeze her foot. "C-can I hold her?" the request is barely above a whisper but I pat the spot next to me on the bed and Callie sits down. I take Abilene from Lena's arms and gently place her in Callie's. Callie studies her, touching the tip of her nose. "I'm your oldest sister, and I am sure going to miss you not being around. But I know my Mommy will take care of you just like our mom and mama are taking care of me and Jude." I watch her kiss Abilene's forehead and hand her back to Lena as she took a picture. I sigh, this really doesn't seem like the time for pictures. Jude by this time was leaning into Lena and had his head rested on top of her's. I wrap my arms around Callie and kiss her forehead as tears roll down my cheeks. I've tried to stop them. I can't. Brandon stepped forward and Lena put her in his arms. I watched as he looked at her for a few moments and said something so quietly no one could hear him. He wiped his eyes and hands her to me. I look at Mariana silent in the corner and watch as Callie walks over to her and hugs her, whispering in her ear. Keeping an arm around Mari, they made their way over to the bed and Mariana touches Abilene's hand before turning back into Callie.

"You guys, we should go get breakfast, maybe go home and get a couple more hours of sleep," the voice of reason is Callie's. Jesus quickly walks over and I watch my son lean over and kiss Abilene's forehead before walking over to Lena and wrapping his arms around her.

LENA'S POV

I hug my son for all it's worth. He is usually the one that shys away from any physical contact, I kiss his cheek and tell him I love him as he lets go, "I'm sorry Mom." he said as he kissed my forehead. The gesture made me melt. Jesus took Mariana from where Callie was hugging her and wrapped his arm around her, leading her to me. I hugged her tightly as she cried. Shushing her as tears filled my eyes. The hot moisture penetrating the hospital gown I was wearing broke my heart.

"I love you Mama," I nodded and told her it back. I did. I always will love my little princess. Brandon hugs me and repeats that he's sorry, again and again. I don't know how to get through to him that this is not his fault. After a minute or two he calms and I kiss his forehead. When did the little five year old boy that fit in my lap become a man? Jude wraps himself around me, so much I wince and have to ask him to ease up a little. I hate to make him but it took everything not to cry out at the stabbing feeling in my groin. I think it's Brandon who finally unwraps him from me and I find my arms full of Callie who is trying not to cry. My brave soldier.

"I'll take care of everyone until you come home, I promise. Just get better and come home," she whispered.

"Oh, Baby, I'll be home by tomorrow morning, Bug." She nods, "I love you Sweetheart."

"I love you too, Mama." She lets go with a small sigh. As Stef hands me Abilene as she hugs all our babies as they head home.

"I want to give her her last bath and... The longer she's here the harder it's going to be to say goodbye." I can feel the tears falling from my eyes. I wipe one from Abilene's cheek as I see it land on her. Stef nods and kisses my temple. I lean into it. I just want her here with me.

She comes back moments later with a nurse who is pushing a wheelchair. I'm helped into it and rolled into an area with a baby bath at standing level and a changing table, "You can put her in a romper and we can change her if you have a special outfit later," the nurse says softly, showing us where diapers are and telling us to use whatever we need. I set her on the changing table after standing on shaky legs, Stef's arm snakes around my waist to keep me steady as we undress her together. I get the bathwater lukewarm and realize the baby holder is to big for her, but she fits in my hand. I hold her bottom in the palm of my hand, resting her against my arm, resting it on the baby bath we trade on and off in a silent dance. One of us holding her head so she doesn't slip off of my arm and the other washing her.

Once we were done Stef looked at her as she dried her off "I want pictures of her, can we ask if we can get some, like, professionally done?" Stef looks at me with tears filling her eyes "I want some with her in the dress we picked out. The outfit Callie and Mari picked out for her. They do that, right?" she asked her voice raising.

"We'll get her dressed, we'll call Callie and ask her to get the overnight bag that has those and her cap in them, and then we'll ask, ok?" I say gently as I hug her tightly and start to put a diaper on her. I dress her in a simple pink romper and a pale pink cap before sitting back down with her on the wheelchair. My body is still shaky, and between the birth and not sleeping in what seemed like forever, my body is spiraling downwards. Stef pushes me back to the room. She helps me in the bed and I sit and stare at Abilene. I know I have to give her to them soon or I never will. They say some wmen keep their children with them up to 12 hours. The past two have both killed and healed me at once. Stef kisses me, and then our daughter's forehead.

She leaves and then in a matter of moments is back with a nurse who is holding a bear, "Hi, Lena, how are you doing?" I shrug. How am I supposed to be doing? My daughter's dead in my arms and you've come to take her away.

"Stefanie said you guys were ready for us to take Abilene?" she asks.

I nod and the tears come flooding before I know what's happening. I'm giving away a piece of my heart at this moment and I don't think I can. I hole her against my chest as Stef envelopes both of us in her arms, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," are the only words I can get out. I don't know if I'm talking to her or Stef. "I love you, Mama will always love you," I cry as I kiss her forehead one last time and hand her to Stef who kisses her with tears filling her eyes, putting her in the safety of the nurses arms.

"I'm sorry this happened," the nurse says softly. She hands me a bear, I look at her with a questioning glance but hug it to me. "There is a woman who lost a baby. She now makes bears that weigh the same weight as their children. It helps some women, to be able to hold something the same weight and length." It does, in a very small way. My arms still feel empty but it gives my hands something to cling to.

"Your wife called a family friend and he is going to get Abilene's clothes. We have a photographer here that will do some photos that your wife requested." All I can do is nod. Stef's arms are around me but I feel so empty. "Do you want to be a part of the shoot?" I shake my head. I have to say goodbye now, it's getting harder by the second, I can't see her again. "Alright, I'll check on you in a little while once I get Abilene situated."

STEF'S POV

I move Lena so she's laying in the bed and wrap her in my arms, we cry together as Lena clutches the small bear like her life depends on it. And at this moment, I can't say her life doesn't. My tears stop to a numbness washing over my body as I hold her against the crook of my neck, where she has told me a million times it feels like the world falls away around her and she's safe. I can't save her from this though. Twenty minutes later the nurse comes in, seeing how distraught Lena is she gives her a sedative to help her sleep. It takes another 15 minutes before she is asleep, clutching the bear in one hand and my shirt in the other.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN- so this is a short chapter. **

Your heart knows your child is gone from the world, but your body doesn't, I think to myself as I laid in my own bed. I was released late last night, prescriptions for pain meds and sleeping pills along with papers that explain that to do post-birth. Take it easy, make sure to keep myself clean in case of infection, no penetrational sex, keep an eye out for a fever. My breasts ache badly, filled to nourish my child that I was never able to feed. My eyes fill with tears as I wrap my arms around my middle, placing my hand on my deflated stomach. 'you look like you swallowed a beachball' Jude used to tease. Now it looks like I let all the air out of it. Isn't that what motherhood is supposed to be about? You get stretch marks and loose your figure, your breasts fill for a baby that can sometimes bites to hard, you don't sleep for a few months. I was ready for all of that. I agreed to it, wanted it all. I have it all, except the one thing that makes you forget about the stress, pain, and flawed body, the baby.

"Stef?" I say before I can stop myself. I hate myself as she turns and wraps an arm around me and opens her eyes. She looks about how I feel.

"Hi, Love," she murmurs, I see her face turn from oblivion to pain. I understand, because it's how I woke up, forgetting everything that happened before it comes back to me like a title wave. "Are you ok?"

What does ok mean? I don't know anymore so I just shrug.

"What were you thinking about when you said my name?" Stef asked, trying to get more information out of me. "Did you just need a cuddle? Can I get you something to eat or drink?"

"My breasts," I mumble finally, "They- they hurt."

"Oh, Baby," Stef sighs as she wraps her arms tighter around me and kisses my temple. The endearment makes my heart squeeze even though I know it shouldn't. "I think there's something about it in the paperwork. I'll go check," she says as she sits up. I look at her as she picks up her robe. We slept nude, well, except for me wearing underwear since I'm bleeding, just another reminder that I birthed my daughter but don't get to have her. It helped, the skin to skin contact. Feeling her body against mine. She wraps the robe around her and I finally look at the clock, it's 2 am. I slept a total of four hours. 25 hours since I gave birth to Abilene, 22 since I said goodbye to her. I wonder if it'll get easier after I stop counting hours and can start counting days. I stare at the little corner we set up for her in our room. Her crib, a changing table and a rocking chair.

It isn't until she's sitting back down next to me that I notice Stef. She has a cup of tea in one hand. Could I have really stared off into space that long? "They say wearing a tight sports bra at all times will help," she says handing me one.

"Thank you," I say, pulling it over my head.

"Cold cabbage leafs in your bra are supposed to too," she says, handing me a couple. I stare at them, she can't be serious. "It's worth a shot, what do you have to loose, a 5th of a salad?" Stef says with a small smile. I shake my head, but do it anyways. The coldness actually feels good. "Plus, tylanol, and some sage tea. Sage is supposed to interfere with milk production." I take the pills with a long drink of the tea. The warmness feels amazing. I close my eyes as I take a couple more sips before handing the mug back to her, turning on my side as I hug my arms around my stomach, tears falling from my eyes. I just want this nightmare to end. I want to wake up. To be pregnant, or have my baby, or even for Stef to refuse when I told her I wanted a baby. Hilcroft to have told me it wasn't possible. Anything but this. I scoot over until I find my refuge, the small dark corner of the world that surrounds me of Stef. I feel arms wrap around me and hear her telling me to go back to sleep. The sleeping pills make me tired, but I don't want to sleep. I don't deserve to forget, to not know for hours at a time that my daughter is dead. I push my head down a little so my forehead is pressed against her shoulder.

STEF'S POV

She finally falls asleep. It took over an hour and she fought it every second of the way, but Sleep overtook her. Her breasts are hard, I don't have the heart to tell her for the next few days it'll get worse before it gets better. I'm already going through my head of everything I can put sage in. My mother used to make 'sage fritters' where they were dredged in flour and egg and quickly fried. Maybe she'd eat that.

"Mama?" Comes a quiet voice as I hear our door creak open. I instinctively pull the blankets farther up our bodies,

"You ok, Buddy?" I asked quietly as I see Jude standing there in basketball shorts.

"I can't sleep," He said as he crossed his arms infront of his chest, looking at the ground, "I was going to see if Mama was up."

"Give us five minutes, Bud and then how about you crawl in bed with us for a while?"

Jude looked skeptical but nodded, stepping out of the bedroom. I quickly throw on some pj pants and a t shirt before looking at Lena. Grabbing a tank top I put it on her, her pretty much staying asleep and pulling a pair of shorts up her legs, she moans and turns, looking for my body in her sleep, waking up slightly as I crawl back in bed "I don't want clothes on," the comment is angry and accusing. But I'm chalking it up to more being mad that she was waken up.

"Jude can't sleep, I told him he could come lay with us for a while. We have to have clothes on, Love," I explain as I push her hair back and kiss her temple. Her gaze becomes softer with a small 'oh' in response. Even if she doesn't realize it now I'm pretty sure once she is able to hold one of her kids it will help a little. It's a couple minutes and Lena is dozing off again as Jude knocks on the door. "Come in, Sweets," I call as I make room for him in the middle of us. He comes in now wearing a tank top also and crawls in easily. All our kids, even Callie on an occasion or two has spent some time between us on this bed. He scoots himself towards Lena and I watch her unconsciously pull him to her, wrapping her arms around him and running her fingers through his hair. Something that always relaxes him. When he wraps an arm around her I see her relax as well. I wrap my arms around them both until Jude falls asleep.

Kissing his forehead I climb out of bed. I haven't had a bath since the morning before my shift. And truthfully, I haven't even thought about it. I turn on the shower and undress, letting the water hit me. I turn it hotter and hotter, so it stings a little each time I turn it. THe pain feels good, well it feels better than the numbness. I don't know where the tears come from, but I'm on the floor of the shower with my knees drawn up, crying into them as I remember.

_GENERAL POV_

_Stef and Lena lay in bed, Lena's belly exposed as Stef laid her ear against their daughter's favorite kicking spot. "What about Jennifer?" Lena asked as she watched as Stef waited for kcking and then kissed Lena's stomach. _

"_Ehh, it just... Doesn't seem right. Maria?" _

"_No... I knew a Maria in highschool, she was a snob and homophobic," Lena shook her head, "Anna?" _

"_mmm, I like the idea of starting with an A, I don't know why but... I do, what about Annabelle?" _

"_No, that's too... Princessy... Angela?" _

"_Abilene?"_

"_Really?" Lena asked, because as soon as Stef said it her heart fluttered, she loved it. _

"_You like it?"_

"_I think it's perfect Abilene... Abilene Marie? I like it, and I like that she'd have your middle name."_

"_What about naming her after you?" Stef asked "I mean, I love the idea, but... Don't you want a namesake?"_

"_Abilene Elizabeth? Abilene Lena? No. And plus, she should be named after the one woman who she is competing for my heart," Lena smiled, running her hand down Stef's cheek. _

"There would be no competition," Stef said out loud as she realized the water was becoming cold "You would have stolen both our hearts. You already have, I just wish you wouldn't have taken them with you." She turned off the water and tried to calm herself, forcing herself to stop crying as she got back into her pj's and towel dried her hair. Walking in the bedroom she gently shook Jude and helped him back into his own room. She stayed with him until he fell asleep a couple minutes later before doing a quick round to check on her other children before going back to her room and curling herself around her wife.


	4. Chapter 4

LENA POV

I was pulled out of sleep by Stef cursing and a loud banging. When I turned over I saw Stef kneeling on the ground with a screwdriver and hammer, the changing table had already been dismantled, I must have been sleeping hard. I watch quietly while she struggles for a few moments, mostly because at the moment I want to scream at her. She had no right to take them apart But a small part is screaming at me that that is not fair.

I can tell the pain meds have worn off as I swing my legs off the side of the bed, taking a couple deep breaths as pain shoots through my center before standing. "God dammit if they had just listened to me and waited it wouldn't be stripped," Stef lets out a frustrated grunt to herself. Before I can stop her I see her picking up the hammer and crashing it over and over against the side of the crib,

"Stef, Baby, stop,"I said as I touched Stef's shoulder. I has only seen Stef this angry once or twice before and it scared me. Stef never lost control.

"Why couldn't they just have listened to me. God, I just want this gone!" Stef screamed as she threw the hammer across the room, I closed her eyes as I saw it hit my nightstand, causing an empty glass to fall and shatter on the floor. Stef was sitting on her knees with her her head down, her hair covering her face. I took that moment to sit on the ground behind her and pull her to me. She struggled for a moment before resting back against me, taking deep breaths as she stayed silent, pushing her hair out of her face.

I found myself maneuvering us so I was laying on my back on the floor, resting my head on the crib mattress and pulling Stef's head onto my chest, staying silent. It took only a few moments before her breathing became in sync with mine, her heartbeat slowing to a normal rhythm. "You can't be comfortable like this, Love," Stef said after a moment. I could see the wheels turning in her head as she turned to look at me.

"Nothing's comfortable anymore," I said quietly, pushing a few stray hairs off of her face. Her cheeks are tear stained, her face flushed with anger.

"Let's get you back in bed," Stef said as she sat up.

"No, stay," I say quickly as I pull her back down to rest on me, "Do you remember when we first got the house? We didn't get to putting together our own bed for two days because of working on the kids' and just other things."

I see Stef smile one of the first true smiled I've seen in a long time. "mmhm, we'd snuggle on a blanket about right here once the kids would fall asleep," Stef smiled turning so she was hovering over me. I squirmed as I felt her play with my side.

STEF'S POV

"Stop playing with my fat," Lena said with a smile as she moved a little to one side. The thing was, I couldn't. For 11 years I've known this body as well as I've known my own and in a matter of days it changed. I watch her watching me as I run my hand over. It's not sensual at all, and I can see that it isn't to Lena either as I gently push up the tank top I dressed her in last night, letting my hands run over soft flesh. I kiss her stomach. I don't know what pulls me to it but I do, letting my forehead press into the soft flesh. I sense more than hear the tears falling from Lena's eyes, crawling upwards I kiss her tears away, pushing away the moisture on her cheeks until the only evidence of her tears are the big brown, watery eyes staring back at me.

"What do you want to do?" I ask her as I twirl one of her curls around my pointer finger, "The kids are at school, but you need to eat and take your meds. After that we can do whatever you want. Tomorrow we have some stuff to take care of, but today it's just me and you."

"I'm not really hungry," I sigh when Lena says that. I know I just have to give her time, I know if she saw my freak out at any other time she would be screaming at me right now.

"You have to eat something, Love, so you don't get sick. Your body has been through a lot, it needs energy to heal." I watch her face go stony. I know she doesn't like reminded of it, but I don't know any other way to get to her. I don't want her to get sick, "How about tea and some toast with honey. Something easy on your stomach and it'll make sure you have food in your stomach when you take your meds'. She sighs but nods ok as I stand up, I take her hands to pull her up and cringe as I watch I look of pain cross her face, "I'm sorry, Love," I say as I kiss her temple and grab her robe for her. She puts it on and grabs the bear from the bed as we walk down the stairs together.

I put her to the task of searching for a movie as I make us some tea and toast. I'm surprised to see "The Little Mermaid" paused at the beginning when I walk back out. Lena is curled on the sofa with her eyes closed, though I can tell she isn't asleep. In her hand is her phone.

LENA'S POV

When I pick up my phone from the coffee table I instantly realize neither of us have called our parents. There are two missed phone calls from my dad and one from Sharon. Which is normal for three days, so I'm guessing no one has told them. I truthfully didn't even think of calling people. I thought I was off the hook from it when Mike started the phone chain.

"Everything ok?" I look up and see Stef standing there.

'We have to call our parents," I mumbled after a second, pulling my feet up for Stef to sit by me. I pick up my mug and sip the peppermint tea. It's one of my favorites. I feel Stef slip infront of me and I wrap my arm around her. When it comes to us Stef is the one who usually likes to hold instead of being held, except when it comes to spooning. She always melts into me. "I take on my dad and you take on your mom?" I ask as I wrap my arm around her and set my mug on the table.

"After the movie," Stef says as she scoots closer to me so our bodies are flush together. An hour and a half later when the credits start to role I look at her. We somehow ended up not really paying attention to the movie, cuddling together as we let the movie fill in the heavy silence between us. Her hand buried in my curls and my hand running across the soft skin of her shirt riding up. "Come on, Love, let's get this over with," Stef sighed after a few minutes, "Do you want me to be here with you when you call him?"

"No," I shake my head. No, I don't, because I don't know what my reaction will be, "do you want me here when you talk to your mom?"

"I'd actually rather do it alone," Stef said softly, "I'm going to go call her, do you need anything?" I shook my head as I watched her leave. I stared at my phone for five minutes before I got the courage to pull up my dad's name in my contact list.

"Hi, Daddy," I say, trying to sound as upbeat as possible.

"Hey Baby Girl, why haven't I heard from you? How are you doing? How's Miss. Abilene." I swallow back a whimper at the sound of her name.

"Daddy," as much as I try not to make it come out as a pleading whimper, it does.

"Princess, what is it?" My mind flashes back to when I was growing up. Skinned knees and broken hearts where a movie marathon or going out on the boardwalk, riding rides till my brain was fuzzy, would fix things, "Lena, you're scaring me, Princess, what's wrong? Is it Stef? One of the kids? Did Callie run away again?"

"Abilene died," the phrase starts a burning sensation that burned every fiber of my body.

"What?" Oh please, oh please, don't make me say it again I think as I swallow a baseball in my throat.

"She died, Daddy. I had to give birth to her and then they took her away," I know I sound like I am 8 years old but it's how I feel. They took my baby away after I birthed her.

"Baby."

"Daddy it's not fair! I want my daughter. Why'd she have to die, Daddy? And why did the stupid nurses and doctors keep telling me sorry for my loss? I didn't loose her Daddy. I was a good Mama, I knew exactly where she was. I hate that phrase and I want to go call and apologize to everyone I have ever said they lost someone."

"Of course you were a good Mama. You still are, you've always been," my daddy tells me as I try to calm my crying. I"m so tired of crying but it's the only thing I can do. It's like the place she was filled with water that has to get out, "Do they know what happened?"

"The p-placenta tore away from my body, what did I do to deserve this, Daddy?"

"Nothing, Baby, you did nothing to deserve this. Sometimes these things happen and it's not fair. You just got to hang in there, you hear me? I'm so sorry Baby. Do you want me to come out there?"

"N-no Daddy. You have work. We're going to do a funeral, but I would rather you not be here until the day. We'll let you know the date"

"You're more important than work but I won't come if you don't want me to. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Will you call Mom?" I ask. I really can't tell someone else, and I don't especially want to talk to my mom about this.

"Of course, Baby. You sound drained, I want you to lay down and rest, even if you don't sleep, you understand me?"

"Yes, Daddy. I love you."

"I love you too, bye Baby."

STEF'S POV

"Stefanie Foster where have you been and why has everyone, including your children been dodging my calls. Do you know how worried I've been?"

I close my eyes and sigh, trying to push back tears that threatened in the back of my throat. Why was it my mom who always brought that out in me? "I'm sorry we worried you."

"What's wrong, Stefanie? I can hear it in your voice."

"Lena lost the baby," my voice is smaller than I wish it was, "Two days ago Mariana called me at work and said B took her to the ER. When I got there I found out the baby didn't have a heart beat." The tears that had been threatening spilled over.

"Honey,"

"I feel like I'm loosing her, Mom. I Lost my daughter and I'm loosing my wife along with her."

"It's only been two days, you have to give her time. Maybe once you guys start trying to get pregnant again."

"Again?" Is she kidding me? "So she can loose another child? Mom she's barely hanging on a thread now. I'm not putting her through this again."

"I just thought..."

"No, Mom, it's not your fault. It's just. I don't think I can go through this again."

"I can come down there."

"I'll let you know when the funeral is, Mom."

"You're having a funeral? For a miscarriage."

"It wasn't a miscarriage, she was stillborn. She wasn't just a bundle of cells, Mom. She was a tiny baby, with hair, fingers, nails. Weighed 3 pounds on the dot. Yes mom, we are having a funeral, or a memorial service, whatever you want to call it. You don't have to come."

"Stefanie Foster, you know that's not what I meant." I sigh, I know, and I know we will have other people confused about why we're doing it. But we are. Because we need a jumping off point, we need a point where we say goodbye.

"I'll call you later."

"You're going to tell me when it is, yes?"

"Yes, someone will call you." I said before hanging up. I'm sitting on the stairs, and I let my head fall into my hands, my hair covering my face. I rub my eyes and make my way back to Lena who is sitting, having put another movie in, she smiles sadly and pats the spot infront of her. I quickly slide in next to her and press myself against her, feeling her body down my back. Her head resting on my shoulder. It seems like she is the only one who understands this screwed up situation.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN- Sorry it****'s taken so long for me to write this. I got some bad news health wise. The mass in my liver has grown. We're trying to figure out the next step, or if there is one. Hang in there with me. **

STEF'S POV

"Would you like to look at the body?" My head snaps up. Lena and I are sitting here, looking through a book of caskets. All I can think about is how crazy this is. Why can't caskets be the same color and style, and just... Different sizes.

"Ummm, Love?" I look over to Lena who is staring off into space. I don't know if she heard what the man said, and I'm hoping she didn't. The idiot just called my baby girl 'the body'. We just spent four hours proving she wasn't just a body. We had to register her get a social security number, birth certificate, _death _certificate, and he wants to call Abilene 'the body'?! "Lena, Love?" I ask a little louder. I watch her head turn almost in slow motion and her eyes start to focus,

"What?" she asked, dazed.

"Do you want to see Abilene?" She immediately shook her head and I sighed a little. "What about this?" I ask softly, the casket is white, with a soft pink lining.

"My mother would never pick white. She says white gets dirty too easily," she answers in a monotone voice.

"Honey, that doesn't really apply here but, is there a different one you want? Brown? Black? A dark blue?" I ask.

"What?" she looks confused as she stares down at the book.

"Can you give us a couple minutes?" I ask the man, he nods, telling us of course before stepping out of the small office and shutting the door. "My Love," I say, pulling softly on her arm so she would come to me. She did easily and I set her in my lap, wrapping my arms around her as I feel her head fall onto my shoulder. I haven't touched her, more than a quick hand squeeze, since this morning. I didn't want to give people a reason to treat us rudely, because we are married. I press my lips to her forehead as I run my hand down her side. Within minutes I feel her returning the hug with shaky breaths. "You with me?" I asked as I lifted her head with my thumb under her chin.

"Yeah, sorry. I don't know what happened," she said, rubbing her eyes like she had just woken up, and in a way, she had.

"I was asking you if this was ok," I said, pointing to the casket.

"She'll look pretty in it, with her dress," Lena said with a soft, sad smile. We had gotten a white dress that at the moment was being altered. It was made for a newborn, but Abilene would have swam in it. The funeral home took her measurements and gave them to the seamstress.

"We can pick something else, if you want," I try and assure her. But she shook her head

"She'll look beautiful in it."

I have to agree. Even though we probably aren't going to have an open casket. She has Lena's complexion, and the light mocha skin on the pink satin will look gorgeous. It seems crazy, I am thinking of what my daughter will look like in a box.

"are we ok in here?" I turn to see the funeral director and feel Lena tense on my lap.

"Yeah, we decided what we wanted," I said with as much as a smile as I could muster.

LENA'S POV

I listen almost silently as Stef talks funeral plans. We talked in length about it yesterday. There wouldn't be a service, but there would be a eulogy. Brandon and Jesus stepped up saying they wanted to be pallbearers. Once Jude heard them he did too, and Daddy quickly took the last spot. I think of how tiny Abilene is, And a small smile forms when I think of the four most important men in my life carrying her. I almost chuckle at the thought of Brandon and Jude, my two children who have no eye-hand coordinated. We should have them caddy corner to each other, so if they fall, Brandon and Daddy would still have her on opposite corners.

"What's so funny, Love?" I look up and realized I had laughed out loud, and now Stef and the funeral director were looking at me.

"Sorry, I was imagining Jude and Brandon carrying Abilene, we're letting our two most uncoordinated children carry her." I see Stef smile and chuckle, thankful she did, because I feel rather stupid at the moment.

"If you guys have thought of a list of songs you want played, we can make a CD."

"We have, we don't know if it's the full list though," I answer as I pull out a list pad. We had debated for hours on music.

_Who you'd be today- Kenny Chesney_

_I will Carry you_

_Held- Natalie Grant_

_With Hope- Steven Curtis_

_Jealous of the Angels_

_You'll be in my Heart- Phil Collins_

The funeral is four days from now. It seems to go by too fast and not quick enough at the same time. When we get home the kids are watching a movie in the living room. Stef walks upstairs but I walk into the room where the kids are engrossed, well, all except two. I see Callie and Jude on one couch both looking like I must have earlier. Walking over I sit in between them. Jude immediately snuggles into my side while I feel Callie stare at me.

My daughter has a stare like my wife. Unyielding and soul searching. After a couple moments I give in and look at her. Her eyes show knowledge beyond her years of what death is, and a deep rooted fear. I think Abilene's death has brought up a lot of thoughts of her mother's passing. It doesn't surprise me, both were sudden, both were traumatic. I hold out my arm, thankful when she easily falls into it, hiding her face in my shoulder as I kiss her temple. It was only a couple minutes when I feel the tears against my shoulder. Jude at this point was paying attention to the movie and didn't react when I slipped my arm out from under him, wrapping my arms around Callie. The silent sobs make my heart break, how many years of hiding her tears did it take for her to become proficient of this skill? "Let's go up to your room, hu?" I whisper in her ear. She shakes her head. "Come on, Baby Girl, let Momma take care of you, we can go snuggle in your bed." She finally resigns, lifting her head and turning it sharply so hair hides her eyes.

I watch her stalk up the stairs quickly but turn at the top to wait for me, I'm still a little slow at getting around. We go in her room and she crawls in her bed before I scoot in next to her on my side, curling my body around her and stroking her hair as she cries. I don't know what to do to stop the tears, it's a new dilemma for me, not knowing how to sooth my kid, and it scares me. "Are you mad?" The question surprises me.

"What do you mean, Baby? I'm not mad at you for crying," I try to assure her.

"No, I mean, that you don't get a real kid."

"Baby, you are my real kid, just like your brothers and sister. You guys are all my kid."

"Than why did you want a baby so bad?" her crying worsens, "Why did you try and replace us? And what does it mean now that she's gone? I didn't want her at first, Momma, but I want my little sister." I pull her to me and rock her, trying to ignore my sore chest which still have not figured out that there was no baby to feed.

"I was _never _trying to replace you, Sweetheart, no one could _ever _replace you."

"Then why did you want a baby?" I look at her tear filled eyes and the hitches in her breathing and for the first time wonder if I was selfish about wanting a baby. I felt selfish, doing the things I know I shouldn't have to Stef, but I never thought about it with the kids.

"Because I guess a part of me wanted to know what it felt like to birth a child, breast feed a child, be able to say 'I knew you from the moment you entered the earth'. But that doesn't make me love you any less, Baby. You will always be my sweet, sassy, Callie Girl with those big brown eyes that are the windows to your soul."

"I want her, Momma. I wanted another little sister so bad. It's not fair." I pull er to me and shush her gently as I feel tears fall down my face.

"I know, Baby. I know," I tell her as I let her cry herself to sleep. I scoot her back onto her pillow and stay snuggled next to her, committing my daughter to memory. Rubbing her arm far after she was awake to feel it.


	6. Chapter 6

STEF'S POV

I wake up and reach my arm out, to find a cold spot next to me and my heart lerchs. Sitting up I realize I don't even remember going to sleep. Trying to think for a moment I remember coming home with Lena and heading upstairs, promising myself only a couple minutes before I went down and watched the movie with the kids. I am kind of surprised to see the teddy bear on my chest. This morning it was placed on top of Lena's pillow. The weight of it feels natural, almost like when Lena lays her head on my chest. How could it be that simple? That a simple bear takes away part of the dull ache? Shaking my head I put the bear back on Lena's pillow before making my way downstairs.

The noise stops me. I haven't heard the piano in days. I feel like I know the song Brandon is playing. But it's... different? Walking up behind him I know exactly what it is, the title of the piece is "Family". It's taken many forms, starting out slow when it was just me and him, almost dark until you hear a lightness come in. When Lena came into our lives. The song picks up, the twins are added, adding a carefree air to the song. Somehow he made a sweetness come in again, even sweeter than Lena, adopting our Little Man, Jude. The song makes way to a tentativeness, Callie, who slowly made her way into our family. The newest part, the part I've been waiting to hear. Two notes, maybe three of a light, airy sound that he leaves for just a moment before letting it go.

GENERAL POV

"That's really good, Baby," Stef said as she sat on the piano bench.

"It's not right," Brandon grumbled.

"I don't think you will ever think it's right, Baby. You've been writing it since you were 13." Brandon shook his head, scratching something out on the music sheet, "Where is everyone?"

"The twins and Jude are asleep in the living room and Mama took Callie upstairs."

"What time is it?"

"11, Mama took Callie up 2 or 3 hours ago. The others fell asleep half way through the 2nd movie."

"It's late, you should head to bed," Stef said, kissing his temple.

"Ten more minutes?"

"Not a minute longer," Stef said standing up. Making her way to the living room she shut off the tv as she took a second to take in her kids. Jude and Mariana slept on opposite ends of the couch. In a big wicker basket in the side of the room she grabbed a couple throw blankets.

"Mom?" Jude mumbled with a small jerk. Stef ran her fingers through his hair, kissing the top of his head. He still struggled with people touching him while he was asleep, fear from years in the system,

"Yeah, it's just me, Baby."

"Where's Mama?" he asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up slightly.

"Hey, lay back down, go back to sleep, Baby," Stef whispered, pushing softly on his shoulders.

"She's up in bed with Callie. You'll see her when you wake up." Jude nodded and closed his eyes, snuggling into the back cushion of the couch.

Jesus was passed out on the recliner pushed back as far as it would go, mouth slightly opened and breathing deeply. Stef covered him with a blanket, kissing the top of his head as she met Brandon as she went up the stairs. "Night Baby Boy," Stef said as he turned to go to his bedroom.

"Night, Mom."

Stef made her way into the girls' bedroom, trying to be quiet, she was guessing Callie and Lena were asleep. "Love?" Stef whispered as she heard sniffling and hitches and her wife's breathing. Stef cringed at the heart broken look on Lena's face as she curled her body around her daughter. "Come on, my Love, let's go to our room." Lena shook her head, looking back at Callie, "Love, she's fine. She'll be fine in the morning."

"She thinks I was trying to replace her," Lena said as she brushed hair off of Callie's forehead.

"We'll talk to her in the morning. You're going to be sore if you lay on this tiny bed, come to bed. Please? I want to cuddle with you. I woke up and panicked when you weren't beside me," Stef said as she watched Lena's resolve melting. Lena slipped from the side of Callie's bed, kissing her forehead as Callie stirred. "Why don't you take a quick shower and take your meds?" Stef asked, "I'll stay here until she's fully asleep." Lena looked torn but sighed and nodded as she headed out the door. Stef said on the edge of Callie's bed, resting a hand on her back

"Mom?" Callie's voice was sleep thick and hoarse from what Stef expected was crying.

"Yep, It's Mom," Stef said as she laid beside Callie, brushing a couple loose dark curls off her face, "You should go back to sleep Baby." Callie looked up to her with watery black eyes and it made her heart break. After a few moments she spoke "You know we love you, yes?" She asked as she kissed her temple.

Callie's hand went up and ran her pointer finger across the tip of her nose as she nodded.

"Mama never wanted to replace you. No one could replace our Love Bug," Stef said as she stroked her thumb across Callie's forehead.

"Sometimes, when a foster parent had a baby they realized they couldn't keep foster kids anymore," Callie sighed, snuggling farther into Stef's side.

"I'm not just another foster parent, Bug. I am your mommy and I will always be, even if Mama had ten babies. If I didn't have you my heart wouldn't be complete. A 5th of my heart would be out in the world somewhere were I never could reach it."

Callie nodded, "A sixth of your heart."

"What?" Stef asked confused.

"Well, Abby has part of your heart too. So a sixth?" Callie asked as she closed her eyes.

Tears filled Stef's eyes involuntarily but she nodded, "You're right, Abby has a part of my heart. But my heart grew when she was born, so it's the same size as it always was."

"Why did mama want a biological kid so bad? I don't understand."

"I don't exactly either, Bug. But I know it was important to her. She missed out on any of you being babies. I think that's part of it. And it's just something she's always wanted. Now close your eyes and sleep, Baby," Stef said as she stroked Callie's forehead as her eyes closed, her finger wrapping around her nose and the knuckle of her thumb resting on her top lip. A couple minutes later Stef stopped the ministrations and kissed the top of Callie's head softly as she got slipped out of the bed as best as she could without waking her daughter.

"Love?" Stef asked as she walked into their bathroom to see steam billowing from a too hot shower, "Love, come on. It's getting late," Stef said as she peered inside the curtain, "Baby," Stef sighed softly as She found Lena folded into herself, her knees drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs and her forehead resting against her knees.

"I-I'm sorry," Lena whispered brokenly, not looking up.

"What are you sorry about, Love?" Stef asked as she shut the water off, grabbing a big towel off of the sink.

"I'm so sorry."

"Oh, Love. Come on, let's get you in bed," Stef said reaching down, "Come on, Baby." Lena stood up with her and let stef wrap the towel around her as they made their way to the bedroom. "You want clothes, Love?" Lena shook her head, drawing her knees to her chest. "Ok, but let's get some underwear on you. And a sports bra to help the pain in your breasts.

"How long will I bleed?"

Stef looked over from Lena's dresser at the quiet question. "I don't know, Love. I bled for 3 weeks after Brandon was born but it is considered normal anywhere up to 6."

Lena sighed as Stef gave her a pair of panties and a sports bra, pulling off her own clothes, "It's not fair," Lena grumbled.

"It's not," Stef agreed softly.

"I want Abilene. I don't want leaking breasts, I don't want to bleed for six weeks. I want my daughter!"

"I know," Stef said softly, pulling her clothes off and crawling in bed beside Lena, cradling Lena in her arms.

"I just want the pain to stop. Today, it was like I went through the whole thing in a daze, not really seeing."

"You kind of did, Love. You scared me," Stef whispered, pulling Lena flush against her chest, rocking them slightly.

"I'm sorry."

"Please stop saying you're sorry, Love. None of this is your fault."

"It is my fault!" Lena exclaimed pushing out of Stef's arms. "I couldn't keep her safe! My only job was to keep her below my heart for nine months. If I can't do that how am I supposed to raise five other children?"

"It's not your fault the placenta tore, Baby. Please trust me," Atef begged, resting her hand on the middle of Lena's back, which faced her. "You did everything right. You ate better than any woman I have ever met. You never drank, you exercised, you took vitamins, we went to birthing classes."

"What about that fall I had? A couple weeks ago? At school."

"The kid was running in the hall and collided with you from behind. You caught yourself before you fell on your stomach. Please believe me."

"Everyone is hurting because of me," Lena choked back a sob.

"We'll get there, Baby. It'll just take some time," Stef whispered "Come on, please snuggle with me?" Lena rolled over, crying onto Stef's chest, hugging the small bear to her stomach,

"42 and I hold a teddy bear whenever I cry," she sniffled a few minutes later.

"You know, earlier I woke up and it was laying face down on my chest, like Abilene did. It made it not hurt so much for those few seconds."

"Imagine a love so strong it made saying hello and goodbye in the same day worth all the pain," Lena murmured.

"What?" Stef asked, confused.

"It is a quote. I don't remember from who. But it makes sense. I wouldn't give up having those 5 1/2 months with her for anything."

"Me neither, Baby."

"I know you don't sing very often, but will you sing me to sleep?" Lena requested as she looked up at Stef.

Stef knew she couldn't say no to those big watery eyes staring at her. "What do you want me to sing?"

"Something for Abilene?" Lena asked as she snuggled into Stef and closed her eyes.

Stef thought for a few moments before choosing. "_This is not at all, how we thought it was supposed to be. We had so many plans for you. We had so many dreams. And now you've gone away, and left us with the memory of your smile, and nothing we can say, and nothing we can do, can take away the pain, the pain on loosing you. But we can cry with hope, we can say goodbye with hope. Never have I known, anything so hard to understand..._" Stef's voice got caught in her throat and wondering. She wasn't a practicing christian. But part of her still believed in God. The loving one her dad used to talk about, before he found her and Tess and God became this person who would dem her to hell. "_And never have I question more, the wisdom of God's plan..._" Tears clogged her throat but as she saw Lena's breathing even out on her she knew she couldn't stop _"But through the cloud of tears. I see the father smile and say 'well done' and I imagine you. Where you're wanted more to be. Making all your dreams come true, cause now you're home and now you're free._"


	7. Chapter 7

**AN- Here****'s the next chapter! I hope you guys like it. Someone said they ddn't realize Still births were a real thing. Still birth is a baby dying in the womb later than 22 weeks. Sorry it's taken so long with my stories. I had a bad infection for a while and was in isolation. I'm starting to get better.**

"GET IT OFF ME!" The scream woke Stef. "PLEASE, GET IT OFF!" Lena was thrashing in bed next to her, her legs clamped tightly shut, and in hysterics, moving closer to her wife Stef could feel the dampness under them. Ignoring it she wrapped Lena in her arms.

"Love, it's just a nightmare," Stef tried to sooth as she caressed Lena's distraught face, trying to wake her, "Come on, open your eyes for me. Come on, Baby."

"Get the blood off of me Stef," Lena whimpered, Stef quickly turned on the bedside lamp, looking under the covers she was relieved to see it wasn't blood, but what she had thought in the first place.

"Ok, Ok, but you have to open those eyes for me," Stef said louder, hugging Lena to her, "Lena, Love, wake up," She said louder as Lena woke up with a gasp. She looked around the room before ripping the blankets off of her, hiding her face in her hands when she saw she had wet the bed,

"Oh God," She muttered to herself, "Stef, you're in it," she said to Stef pointedly.

"It's fine," Stef said as she scooted up farther on the bed out of the dark stain and pressing a kiss to Lena's temple, "Go hop in the shower, I'll throw these in the washing machine.

"No, it's my fault, I should do it," Lena said as she stood, still shaking from the nightmare and the lack of sleep.

"Lena," Stef said as she stood up and gripped Lena gently on the shoulders, leading her to the bathroom where she started the bath and shower at the same time, "Rinse off in the shower and then hop in the bath, I'll come back once the laundry is started."

Lena went to argue but was met with a glare by Stef. Instead she stripped off her wet underwear and sports bra. As Lena got in the shower Stef picked the underwear up with the bra and threw them in the washer along with the sheets. Their blanket she put in a garbage bag to be taken to the dry cleaners. About that time she heard the shower go off and Lena getting in the bathtub.

"Mama?" through the door was called softly. Stef had just started cleaning the matrress when she opened the door to Callie and Mariana.

"Hi Babies," Stef said as she watched then, Mari half a step behind Callie.

"Is Mama ok?" Callie asked unsure, shifting from foot to foot.

"Mama's fine Baby Girls. She just had a nightmare, but she's fine. She's in the bath," Stef assured.

"Can I see her?" Mariana asked quietly, looking at Stef with wide pleading eyes.

"Come on," Stef said as they walked through the bedroom. Callie and Mariana saw the cleaner by the bed and it hit Callie what happened.

"Love?" Stef asked quietly as she cracked open the bathroom door. Lena sat with her knees drawn up to her chest and her cheek resting on her knees, "The girls wanted to check on you." Lena looked surprised for a moment before wiping her eyes quickly and forcing a smile on her face.

"You guys should be sleeping," Lena said, keeping her knees to her chest to cover herself.

"We wanted to make sure you were ok," Mariana said as she gripped Callie's arm.

"I'm fine, Sweetheart, just trying to relax," she said, not exactly lying to them. The ends of her curls clung to her back, though puffed higher up where she had not stayed in the shower long enough for the water to permeate all of her hair. Callie nodded,

"Can I take the car to go to the store? I was going to make biscuits and gravy but we have no sausage."

"Callie Girl, it's four in the morning. I want you to wait until the suns up. Try and go back to bed, alright?" Lena sighed softly.

"Yes, Mama," Callie said as she started to turn.

"Do you want me to come lay with you until you fall asleep?" Lena called as they started to walk out of the door.

"We'll be fine," Callie shook her head as they made their way out of the bedroom.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I can't go back to sleep," Mariana groaned as she laid in her bed.

"Just try and close your eyes, I can put on music," Callie suggested from her own bed where she was wide awake.

"Do you think Momma's going to be ok?"

"I think so. It's only been three days. Give it some time."

"I'm worried about her," Mariana sighed into the darkness a few minutes later, "Momma never is like this."

"Death is hard, Mar. I guess it's probably harder for Momma since she's been carrying Abilene."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

(In Lena and Stef's room)

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Love, really," Stef said as she sat behind Lena in the bath. Lena laid against her but kept her body rigid

"I'm 42 and wet the bed Stefanie," Lena sighed holding her arms across her chest.

"You had a nightmare, you couldn't help what was going on with your body," Stef said soothingly as she ran a wash cloth down Lena's chest.

"Yeah, I seem to not to be able to control my body a lot lately," Lena said, sitting forward in the couple inches of bath water. She wasn't supposed to take a real bath yet, she couldn't wait to be able to sink her body in warm water.

"I want you to listen to me!" Stef said firmly as she turned Lena so she was looking at her, putting a hand under Lena's chin she raised Lena's head as she used to do with the kids when they were young, "Abilene, she never knew what it meant to be cold, she never experienced a scraped knee, or hunger, or tirdness. The only thing that little girl ever knew was to lay warm and content under her Mama's heart, at most listening to the loud household. Our other kids, they've had to face horror in their lives, you made her environment as comfortable and as loving as you could. She felt your love, every second she was alive. You have to stop beating yourself up, Baby! THere is nothing you could have done."

"Can't I still wish?" Lena whispered, breaking her wife's stare.

"Of course you can Love," Stef said softer, "But beating yourself up isn't going to bring her back."

"I know that Stefanie, "Lena said harshly.

"Do you?" Stef asked, "Because you're acting like if you blame yourself enough she'll come back. She isn't coming back."

"You should have just told me no," Lena said, stepping out of the bath.

"No to what?" Stef asked exasperated.

"To having a baby," Lena said as she wrapped a towel around herself.

"I should have," Stef agreed quietly, "But if I did we would have always wondered."

"I shouldn't blame you, Stef," Lena said after a few minutes of silence.

"You shouldn't blame yourself either," Stef said as she got out herself.

"It's hard not to," Lena sighed.

"I know," Stef said, pulling on a pair of shorts and a tank top, watching Lena try and stiffle a yawn and rub her eyes, "Why don't we go lay back down for a while?"

Lena nodded following Stef out of the bathroom. Stef pulled Lena to her, stroking Lena's hair as Lena snuggled into Stef's chest.

Stef watched Lena fight sleep and eventually fall asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN- Last night****'s episode, gaaah. I was in tears the whole time, especially the Dana and Lena scene. It reminded me when my adopted Momma came. In health news, I continue with Chemo and radiation and an now on a liver doner list, though I am low on the list seeing that a liver transplant doesn't guarantee my survival. My updates are farther apart, I am sorry about that. I sleep a lot of the time. **

"I want to go see my babies." The request wakes Stef from the light sleep she fell into once Lena had succumbed to sleep.

"What do you mean?" Stef asked in a rough voice, trying to sit up slightly Lena wrapped her arms around her and pulled her back down, snuggling into Stef's side. With a small smile Stef turned so she could wrap her arms fully around Lena, running her hand through Lena's hair and kissing her temple.

"I hear them, down there. They're making breakfast I think. Callie is giving everyone jobs. I think she's making biscuits and gravy," Lena said in a soft voice.

"You don't have to ask me, Love. It's your house, your children," she chuckled, immediately knowing it was the wrong reaction when tears welled in her eyes. "Oh, Love, I didn't mean to make you upset. I was just kidding," Stef said as she pulled Lena up in the bed so they were resting against the headboard, holding her against her side.

"I-I had a dream about her," Lena said through hitches in her breath, "She was with us, in bed. I was getting ready to breastfeed her."

"Love," Stef whispered, kissing Lena's forehead.

"I don't want to leave you right now," Lena said as she let herself cry into Stef's neck.

Shushing her gently Stef rocked them gently. "I can go downstairs with you. I won't leave you, not if you don't want me to."

"We were so happy," Lena whimpered, "It felt so good to be happy."

"MMhmm," Stef murmured, not sure if Lena was talking about before she has Abilene or in the dream "It'll get better, you'll see. Just a day at a time, Love."

"I want to be with the kids. They make me happy. But most of the time I feel like bursting into tears and I don't want them to see me upset," Lena said as she wiped her eyes.

"It's ok to show them that you're upset, Love. It'll show them it's ok to have feelings about Abilene. It's ok to be sad, but that we're growing as a family."

"Ok," Lena said after a moment, sitting up and scooting off the bed, "Aren't you coming with me?" she asked after a oment, seeing Stef still on the bed.

"Aren't you going to put clothes on so you don't scar our children?" Stef said playfully at Lena who was in panties and a sports bra "I mean, I have no problem-"

"Shut up Stefanie, put on clothes," Lena laughed for half a second before she stopped and looked conflicted, looking at Stef.

"It's ok to laugh, to smile," Stef said with a small smile as she pulled pajamas out of her dresser. Lena didn't respond but put a pair of yoga pants and an old t-shirt of Stef's from the academy, "You ready?" Stef asked as she watched Lena stare at the door, taking Lena's hand when she nodded. Walking down the stairs hand in hand, Stef smiled to herself as she heard the commotion in the kitchen, Callie was giving orders to set the table and check on biscuits, "Hey babies, anything me and Momma can do to help?"

Callie looked over at the two. Lena looked almost like a small lost child standing with her head down next to Stef who was holding her hand. Callie looked around and thought fast, grabbing the bag of oranges that she had gotten for their school lunches, they could go without a piece of fruit today, "Of course, do you guys mind juicing oranges? I thought it would be nice to have fresh squeezed with our biscuits and gravy."

Stef gave Callie a thankful wink, seeing the quick thinking of their oldest daughter, "We can do that, right Momma?"

"yeah," Lena smiled softly as they found an open space on the crowded counter and they started cutting oranges in half.

Watching is moms, Jude walked over and stole half an orange, "We could just drink them like this," he smiled, slirpping juice off of the top of the orange half.

"Jude," Lena smiled pulling her into his side, "So I'm just supposed to let you guys gnaw on the side of oranges?"

"I think it works well," Jude grinned into Lena's side.

"Oh, come on Callie!" Mariana said suddenly, turning Lena realized that cupid shuffle was playing on the radio that was turned on.

"No, Mari," Callie groaned, but let Mariana pull her towards the kitchen nook.

"What are they doing?" Stef asked after a moment to Brandon who was standing watching the girls and Jude who had joined them.

"It's a dance, Stef," Lena chuckled "It's played at all the school functions."

"Yeah, _Mom, _I mean, anyone under the age of 45 knows it," Jude teased.

"Watch it young man," Stef said with a playful glare, going over to join her three kids when she saw Lena smiling. She hated dancing but the hatred was out-weighted by the joy of seeing Lena looking content. Standing off to the side she let Mariana lead her through the steps.

"Oh, Come on, Mom, we have to show them how it's done," Jesus said, tired of watching them fail at it. Pulling Lena to he kitchen nook he sandwitched her between himself and Callie. All of the kids and Stef laughing. Callie looked over to Lena who was going along with the motions but didn't seem to be enjoying herself, lost in her own thoughts. As the chorus came on Callie grabbed her Momma's hand, and playfully got her to dance as everyone started with their own little dances while the music played 'now walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself.' Callie watched as Lena gave her a small smile but couldn't get into it.

As they sat down for breakfast Callie slipped into the chair next to Lena, Stef on her other side. "So, I have a free first period, is it alright if I stay here for it? I'll walk to school before second period," she asked as everyone was paying attention to their food.

Stef looked over at Lena who had her hand clasped with Callie's under the kitchen table, Callie rubbing circles in Lena's hand as Lena let a tear fall. While the other kids tried to ignore it, she watched Callie double her ministrations and Jude look over at Lena with big eyes, Lena's knuckles were white with how hard she was holding onto Callie, "Yeah, Sweets, that's fine," Stef smiled, wondering if Lena had time with one child would be easier with trying to handle all of them at once, "I can drive the rest of the troops to school, I'll drive you, second period is with Timothy, right?"

"Yeah," Callie said as she took a couple more bites of food.

"Come on, Jesus," Brandon said after a couple more minutes of silence, "if we hurry we can get these dishes done before leaving."

"Yeah," Jesus said quickly, thankful to get away from the table where his mom was trying not to have a breakdown, though as he walked past her he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, kissing her temple like she had done many times with him. Turning Lena kissed his cheek.

"Do you wanna watch Rizzoli and Isles?" Callie asked as she watched everyone else leave, leaving them sitting on the kitchen table, "The fifth season premiered two days ago, but I wanted to wait for you, you know, since it is our thing."

Lena smiled softly, she had a 'thing' with all of her children, something that was their one on one time. Callie had sat down and watched an episode of 'Rizzoli and Isles' with her one evening, a show she used to watch alone, and the teen was hooked. "Sounds great," Lena said with a small smile, "Soda and popcorn?"

Callie chuckled, "Sure. But, you're letting me drink soda right after breakfast?"

"It's what we always do," Lena said a little unsure, "I-"

"No, you already said I could have soda," Callie cut her off playfully, hoping to stop the changing of Lena mind. She wanted Lena to feel like it was normal, "Movie theater butter," Callie said pulling out one, and reaching back in the cupboard to get the small thing of white cheddar flavoring to sprinkle on top.

"How has Jesus not gotten ahold of that?" Lena asked as she got glasses out and filled them with ice, searching for a couple sodas.

"I hid it for us," Callie smiled as she put the popcorn in the microwave.

In the living room you wouldn't be able to see which person started or stopped. Callie's legs tangled over her Momma's and Lena's head resting on Callie's shoulder, Callie's head resting on top of Lena's, the bowl of popcorn sitting on both of them as Callie started the episode.

Callie watched the opening scene in horror, "momma, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. I should have watched it first," Callie stuttered as she watched Jane and Maura on the TV pulling the cup of coffee between them. In the season finale they had learned Jane might be pregnant.

"Stop, Bug. It's fine," Lena said as her face turned a little more into Callie's shoulder.

"You know, that's how you and Mom looked the first month or so, prying your hands off the coffee," Callie laughed as she watched the two women.

"I did not look like a maniac who had to have her coffee," Lena said playfully indignafied.

"Oh yes you did," Callie laughed.

As the first commercial started Lena looked close to tears, "You alright, Momma?" Callie asked softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Sweetheart," Lena muttered.

"You know you can tell me if you're not," Callie said, rubbing one of her Momma's curls between two fingers.

"It's just... Hard," Lena finally came up with the right term, "Everything feels so normal yet so vastly different." Callie nodded as Lena draped an arm across Callie's lap and they turned back to the show.

Stef waited about an hour before heading back to the house, deciding to give Lena and their daughter some space. Walking in the living room she smiled softly, both mother and daughter were sound asleep, for once Lena looked peaceful, holding on to Callie, as Callie held on to her with the same strength. Callie hadn't slept the night before and Stef took a second before deciding she would take Callie to school whenever it was that she woke up. Grabbing a throw blanket she draped it over the two, turning off the TV and taking their dishes to the sink.


End file.
